Thursday, October 4, 2012

Father Issues

The father thing ended abruptly. I replied with "Thank you po.. :)", and then that was it. No more follow up messages until now. I observed that I was waiting for his reply the first couple of days but then I told myself that I don't want to be that kind of kid -- the one who waits for the parent and gets disappointed every time. I was doing fine before he showed himself and I'd still be doing fine without him. It doesn't matter that I'm his first born. It doesn't matter that I'm his first baby girl princess. All of those things don't matter to me.
Okay, it matters a little, and I sometimes wonder if he thinks of me. Do I have even a little weigh on him? Does he wonder what's going on with his daughter's life? Or did he felt wonderful and free the first few years when he left my young mother all the responsibility of raising me? Well, I guess he did. A year after I was born, comes my half sister.

Don't feel sorry for me. I don't.
The truth is I never felt that I was incomplete. There are children out there that feels that something is missing from their life; a hole they have to fill or the need to find the other half of their being -- and that's totally understandable.
But for me, I grew up with an extended family. In our country it's common to see that. I have my grandmother, my grandfather, uncles, aunties and cousins within reach and so I never felt alone. If there was any imbalance, it was that there were too much love pouring in. Even if my mother was away from me most of the time, I felt that everything in my life was alright. Maybe the only time I felt that something was wrong was when I was in grade 5. My friend told me that his grandparent gave her something and then added that it was her grandparent from his father's side and not from her mother's. I paused for a little while and in my innocent mind, I was asking why she had two sets of grandparents. I thought you only get to have one?
That confused my for a while, but then I started to learn things and adjusted myself accordingly.

I remembered that when I was growing up, I imagine that my father was a king and I was a real princess or maybe he was a rich business man and I was actually rich girl. You see what movies can do to you?
Going back to the message, I realized that he was none of those. He was just a normal guy who feels awkward to talk to his daughter. A normal guy who doesn't know how to start a conversation with her. A normal guy who hadn't had the spine to finish what he started.

It was better without him anyways. My life is so much better without him. If things were different, I don't think I'd end up like this. So there it is. My final thought on the subject matter. Everybody wins.
I would like to end this babble with a quote from the movie Riding in Cars with Boys:

I used to feel real bad about leaving you and all. Then, a couple of years ago, your Ma sent me a letter, saying what a nice kid you were. What a good man you turned out to be. I'd like to think I had a lot to do with that...Even if all I did was stay away...it's still the best thing I ever did in my life.
- Raymond Hasek ( Riding in Cars with Boys, 2001)


1 comment:

  1. I can't relate because i haven't gone through something quite like this but still, your words show your strenght. Keep it up.

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