Friday, July 1, 2011

A Journey of A Girl's Heart: Story #10

I was transferring birthday dates from my 2010 planner to my phone when I ran across a certain date.
It was March 10, and it read: Shakey's ♥
And I remembered.
And now, I am going to tell the story to you. Let's title this post as: A Journey of a Girl's Heart: Story #10.
Well, this is my first time to relay to you, or to anybody for that matter, about a story form my side of the wall. But I think this is a fun thing to do, so as I jot down names on a piece of paper, he came the 10th, therefore, Story #10.
NOTE: If you, the person who's reading this knows me, and think that this is a story about you, well, good luck and feel free to react in any way you deem applicable.

Well, for the story's sake let's call him... Sam.
Sam was my classmate in college. I had no thing for Sam. Well, he was easy on the eyes and if you stare at him for a while, you'll see his charm. But I wasn't one of those people who fell for it. At first.
You see, I was in love (?) with another person then. But that's story #9 ;)

I'm the kind of person who has a keen observation and sensitivity. I can feel if a person hates me,or likes me. But, I am also the kind of person who doesn't like to assume. So that's the second conflict. And as I've said, I was liking on another person when he arrived in my life. He was cute, funny and charming, this Sam. I only realized that he liked me when we started texting. You see, we weren't close. We seat far together in class and we weren't groupmates so there was really no chance for us to talk. There were only these instances that he'd make "pa-cute", when he's with his group of friends.  One day it was already our dismissal time, he and his group of friends, as usual, was making fun of other classmates as they pass by, going out to the gate. They make jokes/banat, you know that usual thing guys do. So there I was on my way out and they were joking around. My friends and I were bidding each other goodbye before we went separate ways. The guys said 'Oh, Cherry, uwi ka na? Dito ka muna!' (Cherry, going home already? Stay for a while!) I just rolled my eyes and smiled at them as I said goodbye to them as well. So I was on my way when Sam called me again, as I looked back he was standing there, arms crossed, he said "Bbye!" and smiled shyly. I waved in return and went on walking. Remember, we weren't close then.
There were also other things/hints that happened but I won't enumerate anymore, because I don't want you to think that I always giving meaning to things. So those small things went on, but then again, I was oblivious to those things. As I said, I only realized those things when we started texting, and that started because of a mistake, actually.

I was a group leader for that semester. So one of my duties was to relay information. I have this one group mate, who's a headache! (don't we all have one?) A nice person, but really terrible in following instructions. To make the story short, he borrowed Sam's phone, this one fateful day. I saved it as his number because I thought he changed his number, he rarely replies and nobody knows his permanent number so there it was. Weeks passed and I sent group message after group message to this number. Only did I knew it was Sam's when he told me on the day of our graduation pictorial. And that's when it all started.

Love quotes was always on my inbox. Sweet banats everyday! Texts morning till night. They went on, till one day, I started to like him. My attention was slowly transferring to him. I started to observe his every move and look for him in the crowd. It grew deeper this one day though when we went to this school thing. It was an out of the town assignment and we have to take the bus. It was soooo awkward. We weren't talking. At all. Disappointed, I just decided to sleep. That night, I received a text (probably a group message that I just over analyzed, I came to realize) it says, (searching my phone's quotes folder - and failing) it says something like: 'It's sad when you miss someone, but the moment you see each other, you end up say nothing'. Needless to say, that single text made it all okay.
Our activities for the school went on for the week. And then, there was this one night, when some sweet things happened. This one night, the date I can't remember, my friend and I were sleeping on the floor and Sam was sleeping on the single bed. Don't think dirty, okay? Nothing happened! And as I said, sweet things. We...held hands. Out of the blue. I fell asleep holding his hand. I never felt this surge of energy before. You know the feeling, right? We had a mutual understanding those days so everything was colorful. There were moments that time when I wake up early in the morning. When I open my eyes, to my surprise, Sam is staring at me. A couple of times he would rub my knee every time it hit the metal frame of the bed when I stir. That moment. From the moment we held hands to the moment I opened my eyes the next morning, was like a dream to me. Those times, in my heart, I was hoping that 'time would stop just this once.'
The morning after that night was the time for us to go home. Sam and I rode the bus together. And then, it happened again. He took my hands and held it. He held my hands. Spontaneously. So, I laid my head on his shoulder and we just sat there like that for the entire trip. It felt good inside as I imagine the people passing us by, thinking we were a couple. It really felt nice.
That sealed the deal. I guessed then that we were dating. The following weeks, we had lunch and dinners together, one time we ate at Shakey's - yes, that's the one written on my planner, we also had an official date this one day we went out for a movie and sometimes, we see each other just for the hell of it.

But here's the thing, during all those times, we never clarified to each other what was really going on between us. He never told me, I never asked. We were like this two people just liking each other and doing things like what people that are dating do. But in reality we - I, don't have any idea what's really between us.
My friends would ask what our status were, and I always shrug my shoulder, 'I'm not sure'.
Most of the time, they would tell me to ask Sam, or to open the topic and just talk about it with him. But I can't. I don't want to take the first step. And maybe, subconsciously, I just don't want to rock the boat. The thing between us went on for months without us talking about it. And to add to that, as painful as it is for me to admit, Sam was my first kiss. My first guy kiss. And I won't lie, it feels really different compared to kissing a girl. It just has a different energy to it. That happened months after the holding hands day, but it's still hard for me to accept, because I promised myself that I won't kiss just anybody. But he got through me. It was a hard lesson :) but it was a lesson.
There's one thing I didn't tell you though. Sam was a very private and quiet person. An awfully quiet person. And the truth is, he was boring to be with. Sorry. But that's the truth. If I don't speak, we won't talk - and to think I'm a quiet person too! I try my best to think of something to talk about and keep the conversation going, but boy was it hard! It's either we walk or stare at each other or watch other people. We talk in bits but not to the point that I can genuinely say that he wants to know me. I believe I was traumatized by him. Now, I dread dates. The dead air and awkwardness.It was too much. It was really traumatizing for somebody like me who had never been on a new 'first' date. But what can I say, I endured it all.

To close off the story, Sam and I just stopped. Yes, stopped. We drifted apart slowly when our review for the boards started. We still talk to each other but I felt it. I felt the end nearing. I'm the kind of person that doesn't give up easily, but with Sam, I did. It was not worth it. Why?
 New information started to uncover before my eyes and to make the story short, he has another 'unlabeled' relationship with another girl and he's still in love with his ex. And so, downhill it went. If you ask me if I hate him. I'd say I did. But I learned to forgive him. I don't hate their relationship though because the girl came before me. But I'm thankful really that Sam and I didn't end up together. One day I browsed through their pictures and it just made me sick to my stomach to see their photos. I lost respect to the girl. What kind of boyfriend would let her girlfriend pose almost nude pics? Pictures of them on the bed? or pictures of her girlfriend's boobs almost hanging out? If you're reading this Sam, I'm sorry but you need to take lessons on how to respect a girl. I just hate that he pulled me into the mess that he was already into. Why did he need to drag another person into it, I'd never know. Was he needing salvation? I guess so. Playing? Maybe. What we felt for each other, was it true? I'm not sure. I was only sure of one thing though.
Sam saved me from Story #9.
Believe me, Story #9 was a bigger stupidity than this.

Till then, here's to the girls who think with their heart and see with their eyes closed, Cheers!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.