Monday, July 20, 2009

The Break-Up Manual

To know the entire story, you might want to read first:
Ultimate Confessions 1
Ultimate Confessions 2

Draft: June 6, 2009
Dalawang entry na ang nakatambak sa drafts. Di ko pa din alam kung ipopost ko pa.
Pangatlong beses ko na binukas tong entry, pero laging di ako makapagsimula magsulat. Hinihintay ko pa din yung tamang oras para tapusin ko itong entry na ito.

July 19, 2009
Well, here it goes c: Im sure, dumating na ang tamang oras na matagal ko ng hinihintay. And tama lang na hinintay ko ito before posting. Now, ung ano man ang maisusulat ko dito, yun ang totoo. Nde front act lang.
It's been months. But I think, I deserve to grieve for that long. Five years ay di basta basta para lng ibasura ng ganun kabilis.

Matagal na naghintay ang entry na ito para maipublish. c: And now, I will give it some justice.c:

This entry is all about seventeen. From scratch to masterpiece.
For those who have no idea, I will first try to summarize their love story.
Si Jen at si Che ay schoolmates sa isang all girls school. Get the picture?
Nagkakilala dahil sa isang kumplikadong sitwasyon. Nagstay sila together for
5 years,  7 months and 27 days to be exact. August 17, 2003 - April 13, 2009. Kalma lang, walng namatay c:



 Nasa extremes and relationship nila. Solid ang saya. Solid din ang away. c: Just like any other couple. But since they are unique, Todo din ang pinagdaanan nilang challenges, especially sa friends and family. Ano mang halo halong memories and nakapaloob sa dates na yan, ay sila lang ang nakakaalam. Pwede ko ikwento dito, pero mwwalan din ng bisa dahil din ninyo mararamdaman ang tunay na emosyon. Sila na lang ang may alam nun. That was the story. Ndi naman ito "The Notebook" eh, makuntento na lng kaio dito :D

Anyway, this blog is actually not about them, It's about the aftermath.
Bat ko ba naisip isipang gawin to? Simple rationale. After we broke up, di lang ako basag, i was pulvorized. I sought for help everywhere. Friends. Close family members. Kay Lord. I was lost. Parang lumulutang sa gitna ng dagat. Ndi alam saang direksyon pupunta, di alam saan ung way pabalik...

Mahirap. Sobrang hirap. Pag pala first time mong makipagbreak para ka lang tanga. :D No idea talga. Kaya as i went along, I picked up the things na nkatulong sakin. And one day I decided to share them to other people like me - yung mga parang tanga din :D Para sa mga taong di alam saan magsisimula ulit. sa mga taong mhina or walang support system. Don't commit suicide just yet!! Kalma muna at basahin mo to c:
I learned some of these from my friends and my mama and my little sister.
But remember, What I will write applies to our situation. There was no third party, Walang naloko at nanloko. I know madaming klase ng break up but I will try my best to generalize things.

And this is the birth of my Break-up Manual.
 ____

"Move on na" that was the first advice I got. Hell. I had no idea how. It hit me only after a while.



Acceptance.
That was the first step. Accept the fact that it is finally over. It is hard especially if you went through
"break-up Break-upan" a million times before. Confirm to yourself  that you want to end your pain and you want to move on. Accept. ACCEPT. ac-cept. Get it? Accept that there is no way back anymore. Everything that was there before was now gone. Yes -  It was something that made you smile once, but now, it's nothing. Accept that it is over. That this is not a joke. This is not a "Space". Not "Time to think" this is the "Period". No more "next chapter."Admission is the only key that could open the doors to freedom.
I know, I know. Sometimes we tend to put a mask to our feelings just to satisfy our friends that we indeed have moved on. We PRETEND. But that's not what I'm talking about here. This part is between you and yourself. You can fool the people around you, but you cannot fool yourself. Listen to the voice inside you if you really are accepting the fact that it's over or if you are still hanging on his/her shadow.
DON'T FOOL YOURSELF. ADMIT YOUR WEAKNESS even just to yourself. Because it is in this way, that you could help you. That is the first hurdle.
This phase is the longest. It's hard, i won't kid you. It is. Why? because "Hope" is a virtue.
A trait we cannot use at the moment. We should not use at the moment. At this stage, If you are really sure that this is the end of it, trash hope. hoping for a change would just make things harder. Make sure that this is it, and know in your heart that you want to finally move forward. What makes this hard? read the next one.


It takes two to tango.
You went in the relationship together. you go out together. what do I mean by this? It's hard enough to move on, but it's harder when you want to move on yet your partner is constantly pulling you back in. Here is where the "Okay na ako, nagpakita pa sya ulit" scene enters. You have finally accepted it, you are healing bit by bit. Your ex enters the scene. Tells you "things", and like a child drooling over a candy, you gave in. You would think that "there could be a chance" "It might work this time" "Let's try it one more time".
Yes, IT MAY WORK. But if this "Trial" fails once, twice.Think again. Your ex might just be using you because he/she, him/herself cannot move on, And he/she doesn't want you to move on first. So talk to your ex, if possible. Ask if he/she could help you move on by not being selfish. Ask him/her to let you go too. That is the important part. Because this could help you to really see where you are - at the finish line. Don't let him/her lull you into thinking that there is still a chance, because this could only lead to waiting. Look back at the reasons why the relationship was over and remember your goal.
Ask him/her to say these words:
"Pinapalaya na kita" or something like that c: It helps you to achieve the acceptance you need.

Change.
Change is good. If it's a change for the better. I met this phase a week after. It's the part where you will become loose. I thought that I was about to change the Cherry I have met since birth. Maybe this could be about the way you will dress, look, talk, react, walk. Anything. You may cut your hair, wear more make up, wear shorter skirts, Learn to drink or smoke. It's the phase where you would want to change your personality. At first I was unconsciously changing into something similar to her new friends. But of course, I realized this and I immediately stopped it. If you are beginning to evolve into something (or someone) you think he/she likes right now, ask this to yourself:
"If people accepted me for who I am eversince, why would I change now?" Don't change yourself if it would be a change meant for someone. Change for your betterment.

One man down. All man down.

There was a time when I hated all love stories. I make face every time I see couples on tv having their sweet  moments. I always say "Tss. Corny nyo." or "Magbbreak din kayo. Drama nyo ha" And I hated the words "Prince charming" and "Happy ending". I Hate all fairytales. During those times, my sister would just look at me and laugh. There will a come a time that you will be bitter. Bitter at everything connected with love. It's funny because it's your way of saying that "We failed. You will fail too. I know so".  Well, everything has a beginning and an end. But then, the world does not cry with you. You cry alone. You sink alone. So don't be bitter when you see your friend all smiles, holding hands with their boyfriend. Don't roll your eyes when they talk about how great their date went. Even if you're not in love as of the moment, you cannot be sour to others who are. As for my case, I woke up one morning and I said to myself. "Nasan na kaya ang para saakin?" I told myself that everything has a reason. God is reserving someone for me. And I actually felt excited. Knowing God, that person must be the best for me. c:

Whatever, whoever that person is, I know, someday, our path will cross. c:
That's when I stop dragging everyone with me. And I started believing again in fairydusts. I now believe in destiny more than ever. In fairytales..In happily ever after...c:

Pillars.
As you go along the way, you would need constant supply of energy from the people who loves you. It's important that you have a someone that you could tell your share your problems with without holding back. I mean it. Someone who would not judge you. Someone you are not shy with. Someone ready to listen and give (even the same) advice over and over again at times you just can't stop talking about it. People who don't roll their eyes everytime you tell them how much you miss this person, People who won't judge your feelings. For me, that someone was my sister. The 12 year old kid gives advice like hell. She could surprise me sometimes. NO KIDDING. She would tell me the things already in mind (Things I do not want to listen to). Sometimes, I would just snap out of the blue and cry to her. And she would look at me with those half questioning half nagging eyes and she would lay beside me and console me, or sometimes tell the corniest joke just to make me laugh. I also had my Dozeh. I sent these gals a veeeery long letter one day. This was the time when hell broke loose inside my head. I poured everything to them. And they talked to me and helped me. It was a very refreshing feeling to know that when the time comes that your feet cannot support your body, there are people behind you ever ready to catch. And of course, I had my mama. c: I send her messages almost everyday. Tell her stories. Tell her my thoughts. Tell her practically everything. She would give an advice without pushing them to me - which, was important for me. These people are crucial. One bestfriend could already make a big difference at times when you cannot hold everything else in place anymore. Find one. Have one.

Prayers.
I don't think I could stress this enough. There are times when only Him could help. There are difficult times during the process. Times I cannot even share with you right now. Private times that I look like an insane person crumpled at the corner of my bathroom, crying with the showers on. You may experience this at night before you sleep, when you are all alone. Maybe when it's raining outside or maybe when you hear your song. There are times that you just can't control it and your tears are rushing down before you even know it. During these times that I feel a sudden stab on my heart that I call for Him. Strength was always the first thing I ask for. Talk to Him. I mean it. And accept in your heart that there are things you cannot comprehend right now, but just trust in Him. He had planned this all out even before the day you were born. Trust Him. There was a time once when I got tired of crying and feeling weak. I was crying on my bed, I faced the ceiling and told Him. "Please Lord, take this." I even offered to him my imaginary heart. "Ayoko na po nito, kunin nyo na yun sakit please? Yung love, Yung memory, inyo na po oh..ayoko na nito..please?" I was talking to him aloud. And I swear! (bumagsak man ako sa board!) That moment. That exact second, The pain stopped. The tears stopped. It was gone. I am not kidding here. I bet you my nursing license. Just hold on to your faith, and he would never cease to amaze you. There would be times that you would question Him. It's normal. But bear in mind that it's not right. I always pray that His will be done. And that for me to get this over with c: Just try to talk to Him. You don't even need to be in a specific place to do this. Just lie down, and talk. Remember that He is beside you all the way.
A Prayer.

Time.
Don't hurry. Everyone has their own pace. The things your friend did might not even work for you. Like me, I have moved on by being friends with her. It might not work for some, but it did for me. It helps that I know what I am facing and will face. It helps that I know things about her. Lesser curiosity made me think of her less. And getting hurt helped me a lot. LOL. No, seriously. It might be weird for you, but I move on faster when I hurt myself. When I see them together. When she talks about her. As I have said, it might not even work for you. Your way of healing might be different from mine or from your friends. The time you need might be different from us. So just relax and enjoy the process of grieving. Ironic, yes. But I cannot explain this. The time I spent healing and wounding and healing again myself was the best part. It is because when you reach the stage I am in right now, you would appreciate more what you have achieved. Because you have worked hard for it. When you look back, you would feel refreshed that you have finally reached the top of the steep mountain. And you have nothing else left to do after the long battle but rest. Take your time. It doesn't even matter how fast or slow you are taking, What matters, is you are doing it. Do not hurry. Make sure that there is nothing left anymore because if you hurry and you have moved on on a very shallow level, you would realize that when you see those eyes again, you will crumble in an instant and put all the work you have done to waste. Give yourself a time to heal. Slowly and surely.


Use it.
This is the fun part. Have you ever heard of an instance, where in a person pretends that he/she is busy so that he/she could use that as an excuse not to think. Yes, I was like that. There was one time when I want to do something else just to focus myself of something else. I have to do something. I just need to. And I did. I cleaned my house. :] MY ENTIRE HOUSE. I moved the furnitures and I rearranged everything. Why? One, because I want to think of something else. Two, I want to remove everything that reminds me of her. I was successful with both. I have removed all her belongings and gifts, and I made my house all pretty, spic and span. Another thing I did was, I made a poem, An essay and a blog. (Since I love writing). You can also make a song, A drawing, A painting, A story. Anthing! Anything that could use a very strong emotion that you have right now. Don't put your emotion to waste! See? Now these are just some examples of how you can use and manipulate your feelings into something positive. Goodluck with this!c:

Release.
I love this part the most. How to release? - cry. When I feel all bottled up, I cry. And then I feel thankful for it. Crying is a way to release your emotions. Its not a weakness. It does not mean that you are crying for your ex. You are crying for yourself. It's a very frustrating feeling if you cannot cry. Cry it all out. YES. Take the privilege to release it. And after you have let it all out, see and find out for yourself how light you feel. It's the worst feeling in the world if you can't cry. So just grab your favorite pillow and savor the moment c:

Fears.
This is one hindrance I have discovered within myself. For five years I was so dependent on her. Every little thing I do I did with her. Every special event happened with her. And I thought that It would stay that way forever. That was when the fear of the unknown enters. If have laid all your future tense already, the sudden stop would make a big problem for you. Just like it did to me.
You would fear the tomorrow. It's normal to fear the unknown. But don't let this fear stop you. use this fear as a fuel to know and find out what tomorrow would bring. You might never know what (or who) HE would drop tomorrow c: Again, trust in Him.

Trust and Respect.
These are exactly the things you should have inside the relationship. But I tell you, these are also exectly the things you need outside of it. Trust that whatever secret you have told your ex would remain a secret. Trust that whatever special moment you shared together would be a moment always yours. Make peace with him/her. That is important. I never would want to have a bitter ending. It's important for me to end things in peace. You might not be friends afterwards, but you have to be civil with each other. Don't make unecessary nuisance. Respect begets respect. Respect him/her as you would respect a close friend. Stop leaving nasty comments or messages or looks. Just part in peace. You would realize how easy it is to go if you have no added friction with each other.

Bitterness.
Bitterness is the word I would like to explain. I thought before and I still think now that the more you hate, the more you love. Bitterness is a way of acting out when you see your ex. When someone talks about your ex. Even when someone says the name of your ex. Examine yourself. How do you react when you hear your ex's name? When you read your ex's name somewhere? How about the name of her new gf? Remeber this. If you are bitter, it only means that you are stuck.
I repeat.
If you are bitter, it means you're stuck.
What are these bitterness. Here are some of the comments I have observed:
When somebody speaks your ex's name: "Huh? Sino yun", "Ano nga ulit pangalan nya?"
And these statements as well:
"Bagay sila, isang basurera at isang basura"
"Hindi ka kawalan"
"Hindi ka na makakahanap ng tulad ko"
"Hindi ka na magiging masaya"
"Ako lang ang magmamahal sayo ng ganito"
"Pasalamat ka pinatulan pa kita"
Yes, these are some bitter statements. So be careful with what you think. If you seriously think this way, you might have missed the first step. Acceptance is the key to your release. Accept that you are not the only person who could love her/him that way. Nauna ka lang, pero di ibig sabihin ikaw na ang pinaka. Okay? There was one time that we went to the market. I told my sister " Ang swerte pag yung pwesto mo malapit sa entrance, Ikaw agad ang unang bibilhan." she said "Ikaw nga ang nasa unaahan. Pano kung mas fresh yung tinda nung nasa likuran?" I smiled at her. That was exactly what I mean here. Stop being bitter about it. You are not the sun. There will come a time that that someone will arrive and will love your ex much more than what you managed to give. That is also the same with you. That someone would come and would love you much more than what your ex managed to give.

Forgiveness.
Wow, you are halfway there!c: if you have managed to finally accept it. here's the next phase- Forgive. Forgive your ex for being that way. Release your anger. This is the reason for your bitterness. Forgive him/her. Most importantly forgive yourself.  It definitely takes two to tango. Don't blame it all to him/her. Somewhere along the way, you did something. Accept this. You also make mistakes. And forgive yourself for doing them. This is a beautiful phase. gives you peace and peace of mind.

Thanksgiving.
You're almost there!c: This part is somewhat difficult. How can you be thankful about something that failed? Remember. Failure is the best teacher. First. Be thankful that this happened. This happened for a reason, and thank Him for giving this to you. Because of this you were given an opportunity to better yourself. To test how strong you really are. To prove to yourself how much you could bear. Second. Be thankful to the past. It might not ended the way you wanted it to be, but along the way, it definitely made you happy. Once upon a time, It made you smile. It made you scribble hearts unconsciously. Be thankful that it even happened. The ending might leave a bitter taste, but what's important is that you have learned something in it.
Again remember this: It's not about the destination. It's always about the journey.

Letting Go.
You have arrived!c: Welcome and congratulations :]
To let go does not mean to let him/her go. That's the misconception.
It means, to let yourself go. Congratulate yourself. You earned it. Look back and see youself crying like a lunatic and then smile at yourself. You have made it. All those hard work are now paid. There is nothing left to do but rest. The battle has been won. For those of you who have not arrived yet, smile because you will in the future arrive in this beautiful place. You will finally feel the release and finally release all that weight. Breath.


*Whew finally c: Goodmornight everyone!c: Sorry if there are some typos. Im sleepy c:


Signing out,
-Che

4 comments:

  1. Very well said. This entry made me cry. Thanks for sharing your experiences. I really learned a lot!

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  2. You comment just made my day :] Thankyou so much!! I'm glad for you. :]

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  3. this article gave me goosebumps. HAHA

    SAME HERE. been together for 5 years, november -17-...lost him and now he's with a new one..

    "It's been months. But I think, I deserve to grieve for that long. Five years ay di basta basta para lng ibasura ng ganun kabilis." <--nagulat ako dito..kasi nasabi ko na rin ito ng ilang beses, almost exact words as what you wrote..:) wala lang...anyways, nice entry che :) i really did felt every word you posted here...sana umabot din ako sa last stage...na-stuck na yata kasi ako sa depression at fears na stage eh...:(

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  4. I hate how every now and again id say "NO!" cause im a girl on the verge of moving on myself :))

    This was splendidly done. It would serve as amazing reference or anyone trying to move on out there ;)

    ReplyDelete

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