Monday, May 25, 2009

All my Blahs

Sometimes we are confronted with questions we cannot answer at the moment.
It's like someone dropping a bomb at your face and you have no time to react. It explodes and all you have to do is pick up the pieces of your face and analyze the aftermath.
There are times that your patience is challenged and your understanding graded.
I do not really know what to do, react, think and say most of the time. If I do, most of the time, it's my heart speaking and not my brain. If it took me a while to answer, most probably, I have thought about my answer deeply.

It saddens me that I have to face the bitter taste of realty often.
I feel that I'm on the pilot section of life and I have to take harder exams compared to everyone else.
I have no reason to complain at all. There are people my age, lifting problems 10x heavier than mine.
But I want to complain right now. so here.

I strongly believe that I have already graduated from my childhood :) Why? because kids see the world as a fairy tale with happy endings. I'm no pessimist, but I'm realistic.
There are times that we think, we could go on forever this way. If things always go our way, life would definitely be better. but life sucks, so it does not. Life doesn't run according to what we want. NO. We go according to what life wants. We can dream, yes we could. But we cannot make everything come true. There are things that are just not meant to be.

We always think, that the world we live in right now, Our house, our dogs and cats, our brothers and sisters, mother and father, loved ones, will still be there tomorrow when we wake up, like always.
Nothing is permanent. yes. I have learned that the really hard way. I knew it before, but I believe it now.
We can never ever ever give or even receive assurance about something.

I read my previous blogs, a while ago. And I can't help but laugh. I thought that I've already felt the purest of pain before., ohh I am so wrong! :) No, No, I know what I'm feeling right now is still not the purest of pain. There is more I have yet to experience.

What I'm thinking right now, is that history repeats itself. I know so, so don't say otherwise. So now, I'm prepared. It will happen again. It will. Is this it? Is this the lesson I have to learn? Is this a preparation for something big? something I haven't seen yet in my wildest nightmares?

As the sun descends outside my window, I let out a sigh.
Another day has ended, A new one to face. I'm scared a lot. Who knows what tomorrow would bring? What-ifs poisoning my mind. I'm scared of the unknown.
How I miss the times when I know what to expect when I wake up.
Lessons that carved in my heart and in my brain:

Things change, people change.
Always expect for the worst.
Words are just words.

I still do not know what to do, what to say, what to expect, what to feel, what to react.
I feel so strong, yet so weak.
I feel so happy, yet so sad.
I feel so sure, yet confused.
I feel so complete, yet so empty.
I'm a walking irony.

I won't kid myself. I haven't figured it all out yet. Do you know the answers? I know I don't.
Are the answers in front of me? waiting to be seen?
Do I really know the answers? And just don't want to choose them?
The brain IS higher than the heart. But who gets to decide?
How can something so simple, be so complicated at the same time?
I should choose what makes me happy.
What does make me happy?
I'm full of questions right now :)

I remembered one day, I was still a kid, when me and my mama was about to sleep.
I told her:
"Ma, Dinasal ko, sana makita ko yung angel ko sa panaginip ko"
And she said:
"Wag!, wag mo idadasal yun!"
Haha :p I never knew what she meant by that before. :)

I remebered because, right now, I'm thinking that I want to see
Jesus in my sleep so I could ask him :)

Oh well.

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